“I Could’ve Made It”: Coping with the Anxiety of Lost Opportunities

There’s a particular pain in the phrase “I almost made it.” Whether it’s a missed university place, a failed business pitch, a sporting red card, or a public fall from grace like that of broadcaster Wynne Evans, whose promising trajectory reportedly collapsed after inappropriate comments—lost opportunities can be some of the most haunting experiences we face.

These are moments where the future seemed golden—until it wasn’t. In psychology, we often refer to these experiences as “narrative ruptures”—sudden breaks in the story we were writing about ourselves. And when that rupture is public, dramatic, or self-inflicted, it can provoke deep anxiety, shame, and, for some, a lifetime of “what ifs.”

But why do some people recover from failure and others remain stuck in it? And how can we help those who feel haunted by the past?

The Psychological Weight of “Almost”

When opportunities slip away—particularly if the loss is due to our own actions—it can trigger complex emotional responses: guilt, shame, regret, humiliation. These responses are normal, but if they persist, they can develop into ruminative thought patterns, which are strongly linked to anxiety and depression (Nolen-Hoeksema, 2000).

The mind replays the failure over and over again like a looped film reel:

If I’d just said less...

If I’d trained harder...

If they hadn’t misunderstood me...

This is known in cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) as counterfactual thinking—mentally rewriting the past in ways that magnify your role in the downfall. For some, this becomes a form of self-punishment. And it’s dangerously seductive.

When the “Could’ve Been” Becomes Identity
We all know someone who talks more about their past glories than their present life. Their identity has fused with a moment in time that no longer exists. This is often fuelled by what psychologists call cognitive distortions, such as:

Overgeneralisation (“I failed once; I’ll always fail”)

Catastrophising (“This mistake ruined everything”)

Labelling (“I’m just a loser”)

In CBT, these are treatable patterns of thinking. But left unchecked, they feed long-term anxiety, isolation, even addiction. The connection between unresolved regret and substance misuse is well-documented, with studies linking high levels of rumination to increased alcohol and drug dependence (Krause et al., 2015).

The Anatomy of a Comeback

It’s not just about being “resilient” or “tough.” People who bounce back from failure often engage in key psychological processes:

Acceptance – facing the full reality of what happened without denial or blame-shifting.

Self-compassion – treating themselves with the kindness they would offer a friend.

Reframing – seeing the experience not as proof of inadequacy but as a source of growth.

We’ve seen athletes banned for fouls who came back as coaches. Actors whose careers floundered only to reinvent themselves as writers or producers. Politicians who lost seats but used the platform to champion causes.

These comebacks are not accidental—they’re psychological in nature. They require the ability to move beyond self-pity and into self-reflection.

When Grieving the Past Becomes Dangerous

Everyone has a right to wallow—for a while. Pain is part of healing. But if months or years pass and you find:

You talk more about the past than the present

Friends are withdrawing from your negativity

You use substances to numb the discomfort

Your internal narrative is fixed in “failure mode”

…it may be time to seek help.

At our clinic, we often support clients through this very process using evidence-based techniques like CBT and narrative therapy. The aim isn’t to erase the past, but to relocate it—so it’s a chapter in your story, not the entire book.

There Is Life After Failure

We live in a world obsessed with success. But psychological health isn’t about perfection—it’s about adaptability. About knowing that failure, even public or painful failure, does not define you.

You are not the mistake you made. You are what you choose to do next.

Need Support?

If you’re struggling with regret, anxiety, or a sense that your best days are behind you, you are not alone. Our psychologists are trained in helping people reclaim their narrative, rebuild their confidence, and find meaning again—even after the most public of falls.

Book a confidential consultation today.

References:

Nolen-Hoeksema, S. (2000). The role of rumination in depressive disorders and mixed anxiety/depressive symptoms. Journal of Abnormal Psychology, 109(3), 504–511.

Krause, E. D., Mendelson, T., & Lynch, T. R. (2015). Rumination and substance use: A meta-analysis. Addictive Behaviors, 51, 18–26.