Coming to Terms with Ageing: From “Them” to “Us”

For much of early and mid-adulthood, “old age” exists as a distant category. Many people unconsciously position older adults as them—a separate group, fundamentally different, other, and psychologically disconnected from the self. This implicit separation serves an important psychological function: it protects us from confronting vulnerability, decline, and mortality. Yet one of the most unsettling aspects of ageing is not the physical change itself, but the moment we realise we have quietly crossed that boundary. We still feel psychologically like ourselves, yet we have joined a group we once perceived as alien.

In clinical practice, this transition is often described with a sense of disbelief or even betrayal by the body. Patients frequently say, “I don’t feel old, but apparently I am.” This dissonance between internal identity and external reality can provoke anxiety, shame, and grief. The self has not changed in the way expected, but the social label has.

Why Ageing Feels So Uncomfortable

At a psychological level, fear of ageing is often conflated with fear of illness and death. Research consistently shows that reminders of ageing increase mortality salience—the awareness that life is finite—which in turn heightens anxiety and defensive behaviours. Terror Management Theory suggests that when confronted with signs of physical decline, people unconsciously cling to youth-oriented values, productivity, and appearance in an attempt to preserve a sense of meaning and control.

However, it would be overly simplistic to reduce discomfort with ageing to fear of death alone. Studies indicate that age-related disgust—particularly towards visible bodily changes such as skin ageing, reduced mobility, or dependency—is a distinct emotional response. Western cultures, which prioritise autonomy, efficiency, and youthfulness, tend to frame ageing bodies as “failed” bodies. Internalising these cultural messages can lead individuals to turn that disgust inward when they themselves begin to age.

This is compounded by ageism, which is not only external but internalised. Longitudinal research has shown that people who hold more negative beliefs about ageing earlier in life experience worse physical health outcomes later on, including reduced longevity. In other words, how we think about ageing meaningfully shapes how we experience it.

Feeling the Same, Being Different

Developmental psychology has long recognised later adulthood as a period of identity renegotiation. According to Erik Erikson, later life involves the psychological task of integrating one’s life narrative—moving towards a sense of coherence rather than regret. Yet modern ageing often disrupts this process. Retirement, bodily change, and shifting social roles can occur abruptly, leaving little time for psychological adjustment.

Many people report a persistent sense of being “out of sync”: the mind feels capable and familiar, while the body and social perception suggest otherwise. This gap can produce distress not because ageing is inherently negative, but because it challenges continuity of self.

The Urge to Reverse Time

It is common for people approaching later adulthood to respond with renewed efforts at control. Clinically, this may appear as sudden, intense health regimes—lifting heavy weights, extreme dietary protocols, water fasting, or rigid biohacking routines. From a psychological perspective, these behaviours are not inherently problematic. In fact, physical activity and strength training are strongly associated with improved mood, cognitive functioning, and reduced morbidity in older adults.

However, these efforts can sometimes function as a defence against acceptance. When health behaviours are driven by fear, rigidity, or denial—rather than care and sustainability—they may increase anxiety rather than alleviate it. The unspoken message beneath them can be: “If I do enough, I won’t have to become old.”

A more adaptive position recognises that caring for the body and accepting ageing are not opposites. They can coexist. Looking after physical health can be an expression of self-respect, not resistance to reality.

The Psychological Value of Acceptance

Acceptance does not mean resignation or passivity. In psychological terms, acceptance involves acknowledging what cannot be controlled without excessive struggle, while still engaging meaningfully with what can be influenced. Research in Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) shows that acceptance-based coping is associated with lower anxiety, better emotional regulation, and greater life satisfaction across the lifespan.

Quiet acceptance of ageing allows individuals to redirect energy away from self-surveillance and towards values: relationships, contribution, curiosity, and meaning. Importantly, studies on wellbeing in later life consistently show that emotional stability and life satisfaction often increase with age, despite physical decline. This phenomenon—sometimes referred to as the “paradox of ageing”—suggests that psychological adaptation is not only possible but common.

Making the Transition More Gently

There are several psychologically informed ways to support the transition into later adulthood:

First, it is helpful to challenge internalised ageism consciously. Noticing and questioning assumptions such as “older means weaker” or “ageing means irrelevance” can reduce shame and self-criticism.

Second, maintaining health behaviours should be framed around function, pleasure, and longevity rather than punishment or fear. Movement that supports strength, balance, and enjoyment is psychologically protective; extreme regimes driven by anxiety are not.

Third, allowing space for grief is essential. Ageing involves real losses—of roles, capacities, and imagined futures. These losses deserve acknowledgment rather than minimisation.

Finally, cultivating acceptance involves recognising continuity. You are not a different category of human now; you are the same self at a different point in time. The boundary between “them” and “us” was always an illusion.

A Different Narrative of Ageing

Ageing does not need to be framed as a failure of youth, nor as a slow march towards decline. It can be understood as a developmental phase that asks for psychological integration rather than resistance. While fear of illness and death may sit quietly in the background, much of the discomfort around ageing comes from how harshly we have been taught to judge it.

Looking after the body matters. Strength, fitness, and vitality are valuable at every age. But alongside these efforts, a quieter task remains: learning to be at ease with becoming who you already are—just further along the same human path.

Acceptance, when it arrives, is not dramatic. It is often gentle, ordinary, and profoundly stabilising. And in many cases, it is just as life-enhancing as any physical intervention.