Attachment Styles: The Hidden Patterns Shaping Your Relationships

Ever wondered why you crave closeness in relationships, or why pulling away feels safer? The answer might lie in your attachment style. First shaped in childhood, attachment styles influence how we connect, communicate, and cope as adults. From romantic relationships to friendships and even work dynamics, these patterns quietly shape the way we move through life, often more than we realise.

Attachment Styles Explained

Back in the late 1950s, psychologist John Bowlby introduced the idea of attachment theory, and it was later built on by Mary Ainsworth. The big idea? The way we bond with our caregivers as children sets the stage for how we connect with people later in life. Ainsworth found that these early bonds tend to fall into four main attachment styles, each shaping the way we approach love, trust, and relationships as adults.

1. Secure Attachment
This is the “healthy balance” style. People with secure attachment usually grew up with caregivers who were reliable and responsive. As adults, they feel comfortable with intimacy and independence. They tend to trust others, communicate well, and build stable relationships.

2. Anxious Attachment
Sometimes called anxious-preoccupied, this style often develops when care in childhood was inconsistent, sometimes available, sometimes not. As adults, people with anxious attachment might crave closeness but also worry about being abandoned or unloved. This can lead to needing lots of reassurance and feeling extra sensitive in relationships.

3. Avoidant Attachment
Also known as dismissive-avoidant, this style usually forms when caregivers are emotionally distant or unresponsive. As adults, avoidant types often value independence so much that they can struggle with closeness. They may find it hard to open up emotionally, sometimes appearing “distant” in relationships.

4. Disorganized Attachment
This is the trickiest style and often comes from childhood experiences of fear, trauma, or inconsistent care. People with disorganized attachment can feel torn; they want closeness but also fear it. As adults, this can show up as push-and-pull behavior in relationships, where they crave intimacy but also find it overwhelming or scary.

Why Does This Matter?

It’s easy to think of attachment theory as just a bit of psychology jargon, but the truth is, your attachment style quietly influences so many parts of your everyday life. It’s not just about romance (though it plays a big role there); it shows up in how you handle friendships, family, work, and even stress.

In romantic relationships, securely attached people often feel comfortable relying on their partner, while anxious types may worry about being “too much” or being abandoned. Avoidant partners might need space, sometimes more than their partner expects, while disorganized styles can feel like an emotional rollercoaster.

In friendships:Someone with an anxious attachment may overthink whether their friends really like them. An avoidant person might struggle to open up, keeping relationships more “surface level.” Secure types usually find it easier to build close, lasting bonds.

At work:Ever noticed how some people thrive in teams while others prefer to work alone? Attachment style can shape that, too. Anxious attachment might show up as worrying about how your boss perceives you. Avoidant styles might prefer independence and clear boundaries. Secure attachment often supports healthy collaboration and resilience under stress.

In short, your attachment style isn’t just a piece of your past; it’s a lens that colors how you connect, cope, and grow in the present.

How to Spot Your Own Style

Curious about where you fit? While no single quiz can capture the full picture, reflecting on your patterns in relationships can give you some clues.

Ask yourself:

Do I generally feel safe opening up to others?
If yes, you may feel secure.

Do I often worry about being abandoned or unloved?
That points more towards an anxious style.

Do I prefer to rely on myself and keep some emotional distance?
That could suggest an avoidant style.

Do I feel torn, wanting closeness but also fearing it at the same time?
That’s often linked to a disorganized style.

Remember: attachment styles aren’t boxes you’re trapped in. They’re patterns you learned early in life, but they can shift and change with awareness, therapy, and healthy relationships. Think of them less as labels and more as starting points for self-understanding.

Can You Change Your Attachment Style?

The short answer: yes. While your early experiences shape your default patterns, attachment styles are not set in stone. Think of them as habits of relating, and like any habit, they can change with practice and awareness.

Research indicates that supportive relationships, whether with a partner, close friend, or therapist, can facilitate a shift toward a more secure attachment style. For example:
Therapy can provide a safe space to understand your patterns and try new ways of connecting.

Self-reflection helps you catch unhelpful thoughts, like “They’re going to leave me” or “I don’t need anyone,” and reframe them.

Healthy relationships act as real-life practice. Being with someone reliable and consistent can gradually reshape how safe you feel in close relationships.

It takes time and effort, but many people do shift towards a secure attachment over the course of their lives.

Change happens in small steps: noticing your patterns, choosing new responses, and giving yourself the chance to build trust in safe connections.

References

Sagone, E., De Caroli, M. E., & Falanga, R. (2023). Exploring the Association between Attachment Style and Psychological Well-Being in Young Adults vs Adults. International Journal of Environmental Research and Public Health, 20(5), 3949. doi:10.3390/ijerph20053949

Shen, X., Liu, D., & Wang, Y. (2019). Attachment, Self-Esteem, and Psychological Distress: A Multiple-Mediator Model. The Professional Counselor, 9(1), 1–16. Link

Dansby Olufowote, J., et al. (2025). An Exploratory Longitudinal Dyadic Analysis of Couple Attachment Change Over Five Years. Contemporary Family Therapy. doi:10.1007/s10591-024-09727-7

Maciel, M. R. et al. (2023). Changes in attachment dimensions during the treatment of acute PTSD in sexually assaulted Brazilian women. Frontiers in Psychology. doi:10.3389/fpsyg.2023.1325622