Supporting a BPD sufferer at Xmas

The holiday season can be hard for those suffering from personality disorders and their families. Plan in advance. A borderline personality disorder is a condition that affects how you think, feel and interact with other people. Difficulty with personal relationships is a hallmark of BPD. It causes you to fear abandonment, to be clingy and needy, and to develop relationships that are unstable and unfulfilling. During the stressful holiday period, it's important for sufferers to stay close to those few people they know and trust and it is also important for those individuals to have their own support plan.

How to Help a Loved One With BPD
If you are the friend, partner, or family member of someone living with BPD, it's important to support them during this difficult time of year. Be there to listen to them without judgment and to be the person they can rely on when they feel lost or unsafe. Encourage them to get involved in holiday activities, but also know when to stop pushing. Distract them when emotions threaten to rise to an outburst.

• Understand the Illness
  

Educating yourself about the condition, its symptoms, and its prognosis can help you gain a clearer understanding of what your loved one is going through.

• Validate Their Feelings
  

Dismissing their emotions is not only profoundly painful but don't simply write their feelings off as irrational they are very real to them. Talk to them about their feelings.
You can provide validation without agreeing with them. Often, simply mirroring back what they are telling you can be highly effective. For example, you can say, "I can see that you are hurting, it must be terrible to feel that way,"

• Simplify Your Conversation
  

Depending on their current state, people with a borderline personality disorder may distort what you are saying in order to confirm their own worst suspicions of you or of themselves. A seemingly innocuous statement can easily be twisted into an attack, even if it is the furthest thing from what you meant. Try to keep your sentences direct and to the point to avoid misinterpretation.

• Encourage Responsibility
  

This doesn't mean leaving them alone to cope with their illness without support, but it does mean resisting the urge to rescue them from the consequences of their actions.

• Set Boundaries
  

Set clear boundaries such as "I will be arriving at 1:00 and leaving at 5:00'. Don't be surprised if you're loved one initially takes the establishment of boundaries as a sign of rejection and things may get worse before they get better.

• Don't Ignore Threats of Suicide or Self-Harm
  

• Help Your Loved One Find Treatment
  

• Find Support for Yourself
  

Outline of a plan to cope with a family member's issues:

• Place a restriction on the amount of time you spend with a family member in advance
  
• Identify topics that should be off-limit
  
• Practice responses to poor behavior
  
• Decide what requests to indulge or refuse
  
• Plan the seating to avoid possible arguments
  
• Plan your reaction to gifts to avoid conflict
  
• Take a notebook and if you feel you are being overwhelmed go somewhere private and write your thoughts down and practice deep breathing until you have your own emotions under control
  

What NOT to do

Don't overindulge in an attempt to ease anxiety, it will make it worse
Don't blame yourself for the way another person treats you.
Don't try to measure up to an unrealistic standard of what your family should be
Don't put yourself in a position where you have to spend an entire weekend or an entire day with a disordered relative
Don't allow yourself to become isolated in a dysfunctional environment.

Remember that all families are different and Xmas day is rarely as magical as the TV portrayals.